I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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