Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
