So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
