hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
