Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
