Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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