Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
