if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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