i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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