why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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