yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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