i think my tv is drunk
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
