My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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