She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
