i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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