I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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