alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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