She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
