My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
