So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
