got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
