So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
