WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
