My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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