good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
