I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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