If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
