He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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