I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
