so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
