So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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