mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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