I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
