i just wanna soil my oats bro
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
