i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
