I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
