omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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