Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
