I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
