kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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