Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
