I just saw a hot homeless man
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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