This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
