I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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