I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
