Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
