The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
