I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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