i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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