i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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