Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
