Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
