I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
